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The garage fills with exhaust and I don’t even notice that we’re dying because I’m looking into your eyes and I think you must be the one choking me
You have always been heavy in my throat,
Your name spills out of me like a missed step going down the stairs
Or a cup once full, knocked over,
Now empty and shattered,
Making a mess of its own insides
All the while you force “I love you’s” down my throat like I don’t know they don’t mean a thing
You whisper my name in the dimming light like a prayer,
But we both know there’s never been a thing about these bones that you could worship
It sounds more like a secret,
It sounds like an apology to all the things you never thought you’d have to hide
You confide in me like confessing sins
And I’ve never once seen you act remorseful but I will believe you anyways,
Because it might make the whole thing look a little less desperation and a little more soft love,
More stolen glances and missed connections
Less like I spent two years crying over that god damned broken cup
Less like I should have known all along
You remind me every day of all the reasons I can’t look people in the eye anymore
You open your mouth and the ugly truth comes out dressed in pretty smiles and
White teeth that almost look like the gravestones of every past version of myself I’ve ever buried beneath your tongue
There is no more time to mourn the dead
But I still leave flowers by their graves every day
I still carry them with me because I know you’ll only ever care for me if I’m a ghost
And I’ve always preferred being half visible in the light, anyways
You walk me to the edge of the world and expect me to jump without ever telling me to,
Without ever knowing if you’ll be there to catch me at the bottom
And I know you want your love quiet
I know you want love handed to you like a gift or a dream or both
But I’ve always had a loud voice,
And my whole life has felt like some kind of fucked up nightmare
I can’t hold a love if it refuses to wake me up
I’m sorry we missed our only chance
I’m sorry I never told you I loved you and
I’m sorry that I still love you
You carry all the girls you used to love and you shift the light so I can look more like them,
Squint your eyes so you can believe it
But I can’t be what you do to forget them and you can’t be where I go to bury all my heartbreaks,
So I guess all there’s left to do is go home
I spent a lot of time wishing you were my home
And it’s good to know you wanted that, too
But wishing doesn’t get the job done and that’s our fault for thinking it would
I think this poem is my way of forgiving you for not doing better
There are so many mistakes that will never get the chance to be just a mistake
I forgive us for being one of them