Spring Sprung

Lately my days have ended on a better note.

I am writing again, or at least trying to. There are a lot of things trapped in my head that I have to unravel through words, things I’m still unsure how to say, unsure even of what they are. My mind fills with all the thoughts I’ve held onto (often unwillingly) in the last four years- who to let out first? Where to begin with the unpacking? I try not to let the daunting task stop me from starting, try to put at least something, anything, into words. Pen to paper even if it doesn’t mean anything, because in the end it will always mean something.

The water always calms me, too, and lately I’ve been spending a lot of time floating in the sun. I like the summer months when I get my tan back. I like the smell of the salt air and the breeze making new knots in my hair. I went to the beach with my brilliant and beautiful friend, and we laid in the sand and talked about love. We ate seafood afterwards and she drove us home. Even born in the Midwest, she feels the ocean in her veins, too. I explored a cave and then jumped in a cold spring with my best friend’s friends. I got drunk in a pool at my uncle’s house and tried to do handstands with my sister. I spent an entire weekend in the Florida Keys watching the sun rise in the mornings and sneaking drugs with semi-strangers in the evenings; it was loud and fun and it reset something in me.

Even my last few family gatherings have been fun and happy and relaxed. I’ve been in my hometown so many times already this year, but it has not made me rip out my hair or cry in my sleep. I have candid conversations with my aunts and share cigarettes with my cousins. I kiss my nephews on their warm heads and remember when they were barely new to this world. I am still a stranger in my childhood bedroom, but it doesn’t hurt anymore. Perhaps this is what growing up is; finding peace after all that hurt.

I kiss strangers now, I buy coffee for my friends and deliver it to their front doors. I eat sweet peaches at work and correct my boss without feeling like a fraud. My cats lay on my chest at night and purr themselves to sleep. I go on long walks and say hello to all the armadillos and snakes. In one month, I will be throwing a party with my roommates. There will be drinking and drugs and a water slide. I will lay in my yard under the sun and feel the breath in my lungs, and I will be okay.